The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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