dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
