Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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