the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
