we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize