Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
