every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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