I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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