Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Bring me that man meat
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
