my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
