I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
