every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
