you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
its liver damage thursday
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
