you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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