i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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