i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
