omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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