but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
