hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
