she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
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I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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