Got a toothbrush?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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