Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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