I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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