I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
