i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
