stop calling my apartment porn island.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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