you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
