Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
