I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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