wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
