So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We are all done wearing pants today
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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