HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
