I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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