i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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