I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
