i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
