My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
