Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
