Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Gay?
German.
Pity.
we're so committed to being not committed
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
