Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
