i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
