probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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