I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
