Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
