omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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