at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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