So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
