we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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