If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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