i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
