I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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