Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
