I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
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It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
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I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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