ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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