I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize