My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
